Blood Gulch Blues
by ClanCrusher
Summary: It may not have been the best life, but it was better than this. One phone call, and three words were all it took to change my life around. This will be a comedy fic. After all, you can't write Red vs. Blue without comedy.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I really got to stop writing stories and start updating the ones I have, but I'll be the first to tell you that I'm a sucker for original ideas.

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When I look back on the past two years of my life in Nerima, I realize that I haven't accomplished much. Sure I may be one of the most powerful martial artists in the world right now, but I'd trade it all in a minute to just get the last 12 years of my life back.

At least, I used to feel that way.

Maybe I wasn't in the best setup but at least it was common ground.

Not buying that? Okay so maybe it was just south of hell, but at least they sold ice water.

Okay so you're not buying that either. How about this. Nerima was somewhere between the 8th and 9th level of hell, with every single super powered, magic enhanced, sumo wrestling, Jusenkyo cursed, 300 year old asshole coming to get a piece of me.

That pretty much sums it up. Oh and about the sumo thing? Don't ask. Seriously, you don't want to know, and I sure as hell don't want to tell you either.

But lets be frank, compared to the shit that's about to hit the fan now, this was all small potatoes.

There are only three people on this earth who really know the whole story of what happened to me on that 10 year training trip. The Tendo's might think they know me, having been told stories about highlights of my trip, but they really know nothing.

One of the people, of course, is me. The other, is my dad. The third though, is someone that not even Nabiki could pry out of me. That person though, always haunts a dark corner of my mind, buried underneath all the turmoil that was my life. I've always tried to forget it, but that fateful day where my life got thrown into the shitter will haunt me to the end of my days.

I'm getting ahead of myself though. In order to better understand this, we have to take a look at the so called "10 year training trip." I can't help but laugh when I think about it like that.

China is a big place, it holds a sixth of the world's population after all, but you can't really spend 10 years there without getting bored out of your skull. If you think China was the only place we went to, you'd be dead wrong. And if you think that someone like me who traveled around the world would be ignorant, you'd also be dead wrong.

God that word dead sounds like a nice relief right now.

One phone call was all it took. Three words and I found myself violently wrenched from my 8th level of hell all the way down to the 20th level which was under construction just for me.

Nabiki had answered the phone as usual, and she had to call me a few times before I realized I had a phone call. No one ever called me to talk to me. Usually if it had anything to do with me, Nabiki sorted out a business deal before I could dig myself in deeper.

I had already felt a dark aura from the phone; my hand hesitated when I reached for it. Something in my head, all my martial artists' senses from the 6th to the 12th were telling me to not pick up that receiver.

Of course, I ignored every one of them and tentatively took the phone from Nabiki.

"Hello?"

There was some light breathing on the other side, as if the person was shocked that they had finally found me. Then, the three dreadful words came.

"Buenos dias cockbite."

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A/N: That's a wrap for now. Props if you can guess which series is being crossed over this time.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Props for those who guessed it. This is going to be the very first Ranma and Red vs. Blue crossover. By the way, in this universe all the events around the dragons' whisker never happened.

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Many people think that my fat lazy father is at fault for every little thing that happened to me on the training trip, from Jusenkyo to the Neko Ken, and they'd be right. Mostly. However, this was one problem that was purely my doing, and now I was about to pay the price.

"T-Tex?" I stuttered into the phone nervously. I could sense Nabiki watching me curiously but I didn't care, "How did you…how could you…?"

"I have my ways," she said mysteriously.

The conversation drifted off for a second, "What do you want?" I asked finally, already knowing the answer.

"You know exactly what I want. Four years ago on January 23rd. I'm here to call in my favor."

'_Curse women and their long memories,' _I thought to myself.

FLASHBACK:

"So you're what exactly?"

"I'm part of an experimental program designed to make humans stronger through D.N.A. alteration and cybernetic enhancement. However, this process is still in its early stages so we need test subjects. Your boy seems strong enough to handle it."

Genma thought briefly about it, "Well, it's a tempting offer but…"

"We're also offering a large sum of money…"

"SOLD! I mean…I accept."

_That was the last I saw of my pops for two long years. To my knowledge, the person who "recruited me" was from the US. When my dad tried to steal me back, we had already hopped a plane to America. My pop tried to track the weekly checks that were being sent to him, but they were all false addresses. It was a good thing I had learned a slight bit of English to get by._

"ATTENTION!"

The loud booming voice woke Ranma up instantly. Jumping out of the bed, he prepared for anything. Taking a moment to assess his surroundings he realized he had no idea where he was. There were two rows of steel bed-frames with people around his age lying on them. He was the only one standing.

Searching for the voice, he saw a man, or at least he thought it was a man, clad in teal colored armor lightly patting a stun baton. Two men wearing the same type of armor, except a darker blue, we're also wielding the stun batons. Slowly the three went down the line of beds, shocking those that were still asleep, into wakefulness.

As the armor suited people passed his bunk, one turned to stare at him. Ranma stared back defiantly. A tinted visor covered the persons face. Without missing a beat, the armor suit moved past him to wake up the next person in line, ignoring him completely.

_That was my first look at the Mark IV Spartan armor. It was imbedded with things called nano-technology that accelerated healing, boosted physical attributes, and protection from small arms fire while remaining light and flexible. I had heard that an earlier version called the Mark III had all those benefits doubled, but weighed about two tons as well._

"Two hundred push-ups, now!"

Groaning, the group of kids began their laborious task. Even when they had finished the workout continued with the instructor having them perform sit ups, squats, and various stretching exercises. By the end of a five mile jog, people were beginning to throw up but the instructor continued on as if he didn't see. If someone collapsed, the stun batons were brought out.

By the end, only Ranma was standing.

_If it wasn't for the fact that Genma had gotten me into that mess, I would have thanked him for the training he had put me through. Day after day we repeated the same grueling routine, people slowly getting used to it, using me as a role model to get better._

"What do you mean you don't want to use a weapon?"

"I'm a martial artist _sir,_" Said Ranma stressing the last word, "It's against my nature."

The man in the blue armor looked like he was about to deliver a reprimand when a new man entered the room, "its okay gents, let him be. The boy probably can't lift one anyway."

Ranma looked at the new person who had just entered the room only to see a suit of white armor.

"I suppose we can always use him as a meat shield then," continued the white armor, "If he's too scared of guns then let him die."

"I ain't afraid of nuthin," mumbled Ranma, eyes looking towards the floor.

"What was that?"

"I ain't afraid of nuthin," said Ranma a little louder.

"If you are afraid," continued the white armor as if he hadn't heard, "its okay to admit it." He spoke as if he was talking to a four year old.

"I said I ain't afraid of nuthin you deaf idiot!"

White armor didn't even look surprised by the outburst, "Then show me," he said tossing a standard issue pistol towards him.

Ranma took the pistol, his eyes murderous. Without taking his eyes off of the white armor Ranma pointed the pistol downrange and shot a round clean through the target's head.

_Even though I never saw his face behind his visor, I could tell he was smiling. I was played for a fool and had my own pride used against me. My perfect eyesight and steady hands made me a near perfect shot. _

_Then, they gave us the injections. It wasn't really noticeable at first but the effects were there; simple little things like catching something thrown at you with only a seconds notice, or recovering your balance more quickly when you loose your footing. I wasn't awake when they gave the injections, otherwise I probably would have protested._

_Over time we were given our armor. Some people got black, others got white. There didn't seem to be a system to it._

_Then, they began the next stage of our training. Implanting AI's into our armor._

"You may feel a slight sting," said one of the technicians in a white lab coat, "Try not to move too much."

Ranma lay perfectly still as a wire was connected to his helmet. After a few seconds a huge jolt of electricity flowed through his brain, shocking his whole body. However, nothing came from his mouth which was now covered by a tinted visor.

"Download complete," said the technician, "How do you feel?"

"Fine," he said simply. It's not like they would have done anything if he told them he felt like shit.

"Your system should configure automatically," continued the technician, "Give it a couple days. And if you hear voices in you head, you're not going crazy."

_It was also around this time that my group began to hold contests with each other. Fighting, shooting, combat based stuff mostly. It was supposed to be harmless and good for training, but the AI's had a different agenda. That was when I got indebted to Tex, January 23rd by her reckoning. _

BOOM!

Ranma cursed as an explosion went off 10 feet in front of him. Emptying his clip into the smoke he ducked around a corner and reloaded.

"Harmless my ass," he said to himself.

Once again he had been challenged to an exhibition match. Being the best in his group, everyone (or rather all of the AI's) was trying to take the opportunity to knock him off his high horse. The matches had started out harmless at first, but then his opponents began sneaking live weapons into the arenas. It didn't make for an easy fight when all he was equipped with was flash grenades and an assault rifle with dulled bullets.

He was pretty sure his opponent was using AP rounds but he wasn't willing to risk his body to find out. Then he heard voices.

"Go around on the left, I'll pin him down here."

"He's hiding behind that rock."

Ranma cursed to himself again. Apparently he wasn't alone either. Taking a deep breath, Ranma jumped out from behind his cover, taking the guy flanking him by surprise. Putting on an extra burst of speed Ranma dodged the volley and grabbed the guy around the neck.

Just in time too, as a shower of bullets hit his human shield. Ranma returned fire, forcing the others to take cover. Thinking quickly Ranma took the gun from the now unconscious soldier and ran behind the dividing wall, trading fire with the remaining people.

"What the hell? Did they invite the whole group here?" Technically these were supposed to be fair matches but it had gotten to the point where it was beyond the ability of the stationed guards to control them.

Ranma was in a bad position too. The only effective weapon he had was the half emptied pistol he had stolen from the wounded soldier.

"Buenos dias cockbite."

Ranma looked up to see a familiar tinted visor and black armor. By the voice, he could tell that the person was Tex. And she was armed to kill. Switching her pistol to her left hand, she pulled a grenade out of her storage.

"Need some help?" Ranma nodded, as if it took all his willpower, "Pull it." She said offering him the grenade.

Hesitantly Ranma reached up and took the pin out of the grenade. Like lightning she chucked the frag over the barrier into the enemy nest. There was an explosion and then they went into action, disabling, knocking out, and injuring the people on the other team. When the smoke cleared 6 people lay on the ground.

_It should be noted at this point that I had met Tex before. When they were assigning out codenames, Tex ended up with Nevada. For some reason I can't fathom, I got the codename Texas. I was 80 sure she hated my guts at that moment. However the fact remains that she saved my life. Right after the fight was over, she simply said, "you owe me one," and walked off._

_Tex, while not as well versed as me in the combat arts, was a demon with a weapon. She had gotten almost as many challenges as me, and had stayed my close equal throughout the two years I spent there, even going as far as punching out a guys eye straight through his visor. She never actually challenged me directly, but we did compete from time to time._

_Then, everything went to hell. You remember those AI's that they implanted with? They were supposed to make us stronger, faster, or in Tex's case, just plain meaner. The program worked fine for a while, but then the AI's started taking over their hosts' minds, causing most to go crazy. They tried deleting the AI but many resisted and escaped the facility, including Tex._

_To this day I consider myself fortunate that my AI never activated._

_Two days after the AI Omega had escaped with Tex, killing over half the guards, I made my escape as well. It's not like anyone was left to stop me. Unfortunately, when I got outside the facility, I had two major problems. I may have been able to pick up English during my training but I had no idea where I was or where I should go._

_As for what I did, well, that's a completely different story._

END FLASHBACK

I cursed silently to myself as the memories came back to me, bombarding me with a past that I would have rather forgotten. Even Genma agreed that he had made a mistake in sending me there (and he was still trying to push the engagement).

"I can't talk on this phone Tex. The line is tapped."

Upstairs in her room, Nabiki cursed.

"That's okay," responded Tex, "I'm going to give you some coordinates. Get to them. I'll call you back." Tex read off a series of numbers which I quickly committed to memory. I knew Nabiki had probably copied them down too, but she wouldn't be able to find the location unless she knew military talk.

Slowly, I hung up the phone. Now it was time for the hard part.

Hearing footsteps on the stairs, I quickly dodged into the dining room and hid under the table. Right on cue, Nabiki walked in, looking for me. Taking a glance around she must have determined that I wasn't there and left.

Not missing a beat I rolled out from under the table and ran up the stairs to the guest room. Grabbing my old backpack, I jumped out the window, over the surrounding wall, and onto the street outside.

"Going somewhere?"

I flinched and turned to face Genma.

"Pops?"

"It was them wasn't it?"

Sighing, I dropped by stance and leaned against the wall like he was doing, "How can you tell?"

"You're in soldier mode," he said as if talking about the weather, "The only time you're like that is when you're reminded of _that _place."

Was I really that easy to read?

"So what are you gonna do about it?"

"Me? Nothing whatsoever," he started laughing, "If you want to go off and get shot that's your problem, not mine."

WHACK!

I withdrew my fist from his face, "You're such a kind and loving father you know that?"

Picking himself up off the ground, Genma shook his head a bit, "I try my best son."

"If that was your best I'd hate to see the poor bastard that lived through your worst."

"The point is," said my dad ignoring my earlier comment, "You need to clean up the mess you made here before you go make another one."

"Well why don't I just pull out my handy dandy to-do list huh?" I pulled out a list from my pocket, "Number one, beat Happosai for the title of grandmaster. Number two, beat Cologne to get the amazons off my case. Number three, gracefully break off the other two engagements you hooked me up with without loosing honor and preferably without losing blood. Number four, get a cure to my curse. Number five, kill Tatewaki and Kodachi so they stop following me. Number six, destroy all of the photos Nabiki took of me and destroy all of her cameras. Finally, number seven, kill you and leave your body for the cats so you never haunt my steps again and recreate the situation for me." I crumpled up the piece of paper and threw it over my shoulder, "I might even do that last step first."

Genma had several sweatdrops on his head, "You know, on the other hand, why don't you just do what you need to do. I'll cover for you."

Picking up my discarded backpack I started walking off, "Its not like they're going to find me," turning around I looked one last time at my dad, "but thanks anyways old man."

I was about to start walking again when something made me stop, "You know? I just had a strange feeling that I'm never going to see this place again."

"And that's a bad thing?" asked Genma curiously.

"Oh I didn't mean weird bad."

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I got to the coordinates Tex sent me with two minutes to spare, a back alleyway with a rusty telephone booth. Softly I counted down the seconds until Tex was set to call. I had just hit two when the phone started ringing.

Going back into soldier mode, I picked up the receiver, "Okay, what is it?"

"Do you remember Omega from the training facility?"

"Yeah. He was the AI you were paired with."

"You may not have known this considering yours never activated," continued Tex, "But did you know that these computer programs could jump from person to person by using the radios?"

My heart skipped a beat. AI's that could jump from person to person? Everyone in the military had the same protocol armor and radio, so what was to stop a crazy AI from jumping into someone who was in charge of a nuclear missile silo? And considering Omega…

"Let me guess, Omega found out how to do this right?"

"Yep."

"And he wants to destroy the universe too I bet."

"You got it."

"And you want to kill him right?"

"Right."

"So what's stopping you?"

"A lot of things. Have you heard of the two new armies that have been fighting each other recently?"

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An hour later I hung up the phone. Grabbing the phonebook I looked between the S and T section and found the plane ticket hidden there. It was absolutely astounding how organized she was. She had left me a trail of objectives for me to follow so she could call in her favor at any time.

She had even known where I had hidden my armor.

I guess I should be pleased that she thought of me as important enough to keep tabs on, but it was incredibly annoying how unprepared I was for it. Story of my life huh?

I pocketed the ticket and extended my senses around me, searching for anything that would interfere with my mission. Finding none, I quickly went back to roof hopping. My destination was a good ten miles off so I had time to ponder the situation.

The major question I had on my mind was how did Tex find me? After I had gotten back from America with my dad we had traveled all over China and Japan, going into places that not even experienced explorers would go.

These questions kept repeating themselves in my mind, going nowhere until I sensed a familiar presence. Shampoo was on her bike, making deliveries as usual. However, there was something about this that seemed…off. Her eyes were searching for something and I could feel her ki prodding the area. I didn't need to be Einstein to know who she was looking for. Quickly I dampened my presence as much as I could and continued on, but Shampoo continued to follow me.

That's when I noticed two more familiar presences, Ryoga and Mousse had shown up as well. Doing some clever dodging now, I ducked into an alleyway I knew to be a dead end and went through a side door into an abandoned warehouse. Running towards the back exit, I barely had time to duck under cover as one of the factories walls exploded into a cloud of dust admitting Ryoga.

"Curse you Ranma! Where the hell are you?"

Curiously I watched as the lost boy took out an electronic device and stared at it intently. Then I watched shocked as he looked straight towards my hiding spot.

Thinking quickly I employed the umisenken and snuck out the hole he had just made. Everything made sense now; I was stupid not to have seen it before. Everyone who was constantly finding me, never getting a moments peace, and always being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

However, if my theory was correct, that was all about to change.

Taking a slight half-mile detour, I ducked into a clothes store and grabbed a couple pairs of clothes that looked like they would fit and hurried into the dressing room. Once I was there I got completely undressed and changed into my new clothes. Not exactly the most color coordinated but they would do.

Bunching up my old clothes in my hands, I drew in my energy and incinerated them with a focused ball of ki. A loud discharge of electricity confirmed my suspicions; I had been bugged, numerous times by the sound of it. I only wore about three different sets of clothes so it wouldn't have been that hard either.

As an afterthought, I also checked my backpack. Removing all of the stuff carefully, I inspected all the objects that I had carried with me for years. My family tanto, a very old photograph of my family, the engagement ring that was promised to Akane, another picture with the whole NWC at the beach, and all the weights I carried around in my backpack.

Strange how 17 whole years of my life could fit into this bag.

Beginning to put the objects back in now, I froze as I noticed a bulge in the bottom of my sack. Cautiously I reached down and felt it. My eyes widened as I recognized the familiar shape. Reaching into the hidden pouch, I pulled out my old 45, with some special modifications.

"What the…I thought I left this at Foundation."

Turning the gun over in my hands I noticed a tiny message scrawled on the side of the gun. It read, "Try not to loose this," and Tex's real name was scrawled at the bottom.

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Nabiki blinked and rubbed her eyes to make sure she wasn't seeing things. All of the tracers that she had placed on Ranma had suddenly disappeared. And if he had caught on to the tracers…oh shit.

Ryoga growled and flicked the side of his tracer expectantly hoping that the blip known as Ranma would reaper. If it didn't though…

"Damn you Nabiki! I paid nearly 40,000 yen for this!"

Similar stories were happening all of Nerima.

Shampoo growled and shook her tracker, "Stupid mercenary girl cheat Shampoo!"

"Mine eyes doth deceive me," said Kuno, "But mine nemeses has vanished!"

"Konatsu! We're going to pay a visit to our Tendo friend."

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I felt incredibly out of place as I walked through the high security bank. Everyone there was dressed formally and here I was wearing a blue t-shirt and a pair of jeans, the first two items I had grabbed off the clothes rack.

"Can I help you sir?"

I turned around and faced one of the black ties wandering around the bank, "Yeah, I'd like to access my storage vault please."

In response the suited man produced a fingerprint reader. I placed my thumb on it and after a few seconds there was a beep of recognition, "Right this way sir."

I was lead through a series of hallways and dropped off at my vault. Imputing my 10 digit combination, I looked upon my armor for the first time in nearly 3 years.

From what Tex had told me, I was unofficially recruited into a place called the Blue Army, being trained to fight against another army called the Red Army. Very creative names I know. However, despite this, my armor wasn't the traditional rookie blue but actually a shade of green. To this day I don't know why.

Undoing my pigtail, I produced a pair of scissors that I had borrowed from the clothes store. Using the visor of my armor as an impromptu mirror, I carefully cut some of my hair so my head would fit into the helmet. The first thing they did at basic was shave our heads so we could readily slip on gas masks and helmets like the one I was about to put on.

Piece by piece I started placing the pieces of heavy metal on my body, letting the once familiar weight settle on my shoulders once again. While the weight may have slowed me down a bit, I was going against firearms and this was the best protection available.

Finally, I set the helmet on my head and activated my visor, bringing up the HUD showing how much energy the shields had left. Even though my armor had been abandoned for nearly two years the shields around them were still working adequately.

Reaching into my vault I grabbed my standard issue battle rifle and attached it to my back. Reaching into my bag I grabbed the modified pistol Tex had planted with a tracking device. Two minutes later and I had transformed into soldier Ranma. Tossing my backpack into the safe I slammed it close, a bit too hard in fact. I had forgotten the strength modifiers my suit provided.

Now the two-million dollar question was how I was going to get out without…

"Is everything okay in here si…" the guard's sentence cut off abruptly as he noticed me standing in the room. Slowly his eyes traveled down my suit until he saw the pistol in my hand.

"SOUND THE ALARM! THERE'S A BANK ROBBER IN HERE!" Faster than my eye could track he sped out of the vault. Mere seconds later a loud blaring alarm sounded throughout the bank.

I almost felt like shooting the guy.

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A/N: I hope it was worth the wait.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Chances are I have a mob somewhere with my name on it, but I encourage you to read the chapter first, then kill me. If you want to hear my excuses, then feel free to indulge in the A/N below.

* * *

"Drop your weapon and come out with your hands up!"

I cursed to myself as I hid behind the wall next to my safe. Being a maximum security bank (on the outskirts of Nerima), the police around here responded very quickly, and it didn't take long for a whole armored squadron to camp right outside the door.

"I repeat! Drop your weapon and come out with your hands up!"

Without moving, I considered my options. I could probably break out of the vault with some work, but these walls were reinforced steel, designed to handle Neriman type punishment. It was doubtful that even the breaking point technique would be able to do much to them.

On the other hand I could…

"This is your last warning! Come out with your hands in the air!"

God damn that guy was annoying, if I wasn't listening the first time, what made him think that I'd listen to him…

"We will open fire. Come out with your-" **BLAM!**

I smirked and ducked back into hiding as I heard the officers cursing and shouting. The person who'd been shouting was now clutching a broken piece of what used to be his megaphone.

If it actually came down to a firefight, I wasn't too worried. While the cops were well trained, my superior equipment and reflexes would probably see me through this unscratched.

On the other hand, I wasn't exactly ready to gun down several people just to get out of a bank. I'm not above maiming in the name of the greater good, (the greater good being my personal safety most of the time) but I didn't do it callously…unless I was beating up my dad. Then again, any time my dad got beat up was for the greater good.

"STAND DOWN NOW!"

My eyes widened in surprise as I heard a voice that I hadn't heard in three years. Cautiously I peaked around the corner and spotted the telltale white armor of agent Washington, an acquaintance I'd known from basic.

"Agent Texas, you can come out now."

I stepped out hesitantly, pistol ready to be brought into play at a moments notice. Agent Washington wasn't among my numerous lists of enemies but the fact that he held authority over these officers probably meant he was with some sort of corporation or another that I didn't want to deal with.

Washington was in full body armor, same as me. His style was much like my trainer Wyoming's white armor except a darker shade and some gold highlights where the joints were.

The freelancer gave me a short nod before turning to the assembled squadron, "I want you all out of here, now. Any word of this incident gets out and I will personally see those involved manning radar towers in Alaska. Move!"

I blinked, and the hallway was clear except for a janitor sweeping up the pieces of the shattered megaphone.

"Agent Texas, good to see you're still alive."

I would have raised an eyebrow but the effect would have been lost with the tinted visor in place. "How did you know I was here?"

"Information from our mutual acquaintance," he provided. Gesturing with his hand, I fell into step beside him. "You're not the only one she's been keeping tabs on. Although I can't figure out how she found you when all the resources of the largest military division in the world stopped trying to tail you after six months."

I rolled my shoulders back, loosening the joints on the armor. "Disappearing is easy. Just don't have any contact with the civilized world for the better part of four years and people tend to forget about you."

"The company has a long memory," cautioned Washington. "And they put a bit too much money into this project to back out, no matter how bad things get."

We began walking up a flight of stairs. A habit we had gotten into after finding out the armor we wore tended to overload most elevators.

"How bad have things gotten?" I inquired.

"Rouge AI's running around causing havoc, freelancers being bought up left and right, repeated reports of mentally stable soldiers going rouge, and more shady cover-ups than a canvas factory. So, about normal."

I sighed, mentally imagining the work ahead. "So about the usual huh?"

He nodded.

"Where are we going anyways?"

"Tex dropped me a line and 'requested' that I secure transportation for you. I pulled some strings and acquired a longsword. Nothing fancy but it will get you to where you need to go." From his side pouch, he produced a ring of electronic keys. "Just try to bring it back in one piece."

I took the keys and put them in my currently empty grenade pouch. "No promises. You know my track record."

Washington was silent for a moment. "Do you think you could make an exception just this once?"

"And break my perfect streak?" I snorted. "Just bill me for it."

Walking up the final flight of stairs, we opened the door to the roof to see the docked longsword fighter that Washington had acquired. It looked to be military stock, a gunmetal gray-ish color. The shape was reminiscent of the stealth bombers but had had obvious modifications to make it space-worthy. I walked up the ramp to the cockpit and watched as the ramp slowly raised.

"Wait a sec, you mean to tell me they actually paid you?" shouted Washington before I was obscured from view.

"It's been six years," I shouted back. "I've got to have some back pay coming." His expletives were blocked out by the ramp finishing its closing procedure.

* * *

Imagine for a second if you will, a plane ride. Got that? Good. Now imagine, a plane ride with no in-flight movie available. Or company. Or peanuts. Now, replace those semi-comfortable seats in third class with hard plastic and no headrest. Now imagine a vast void of silence.

Are you getting the picture yet? If you haven't, allow me to spell it out for you. Space travel sucks. Especially when you're on your own. Sure, space may be entertaining for a while, but believe me when I say the novelty of that wears off quite quickly after ten solid hours of nothing to do. The ship had a programmed destination and was heading there via autopilot so driving wasn't necessary, and the frantic pace of the day had left me pretty much unable to sleep for the moment.

I checked the estimated time of arrival once again. Eight hours left. Briefly I considered raiding the food stores, but the thought of military provisions made my stomach turn. Even so, they weren't nearly as bad as Akane's cooking. Then again, I could mix salt, sugar, mayonnaise, vinegar, mustard, ketchup, salami, rat poison, Tylenol, wine, and beef then boil it in grease and alcohol and still be leagues away from Akane's level of bad cooking.

I was getting sidetracked again. Although there really wasn't much to do in the great empty void of space other than think.

"Suppose I could check out my armor," I said aloud. I reached for the back of my head to undo the clasps to my helmet. Not quite as easy as it looks considering the heavy armor placed on my hands and the fine motor control skills needed to undo the damn thing.

"DING! Instillation complete."

My hand froze, halfway to my head. What the hell was that? Words began scrolling down my visor, too fast to make any sense of them. Just when I was about to tear the helmet from my head, the text disappeared and was replaced with a single line.

'Finalizing. Caution: Do not remove helmet.'

"Huh? Why?"

As if in answer to my question, the text changed.

'Integration in progress. Removing helmet may cause permanent neural scarring or brain damage.'

I let me hand fall to my side before another question popped into my head. "Wait, what exactly are you integrating?" The text changed again.

'Brace yourself.'

"For what? What the hell is going-" SCHINK!

Want to know what I'm feeling right now? Take a pen and jab it into the back of your skull. Now, with your other hand, grab a tuft of hair and yank. Needless to say, I was floored. All my senses were on fire and a loud ringing sound was reverberating through my ears. It felt like hours but must have only been about two minutes. Text was rolling across my visor again.

'Integration complete. Greetings Ranma Saotome.'

"What the- what the hell?"

'Configuring artificial voice. Standby...'

"Ah, that's much better."

I tapped the side of my helmet worriedly. The voice felt like it had come straight from my head. "I believe this is the part where I'm supposed to ask if I'm crazy and hearing voices in my head," I said aloud.

"Half right," said the female voice from within my head again. "Then again, I don't have access to your psyche records, so I can't confirm if you're crazy or not."

"Says the talking voice in my head," he said sarcastically. "Seriously though, what the hell are you?"

"Who knows?" said the voice smugly. "Maybe I am just the voice in the back of your head."

I smacked the side of my helmet.

"Alright, take it easy," the female voice chided gently. "My classification is C0R74N4, code name Cortana. I am a fully functional multi-purpose, state-of-the-art-"

"Wait!" I shouted suddenly. "Do not tell me that you're an AI."

There was silence for a second. "Alright then, I won't tell you."

"Son of a bitch. Tex wants me to go hunt down a rouge AI and now I have one in my freaking skull. Just great. Oh she's gonna love this one. How the hell did you get installed in this armor anyways?"

"This platform was uploaded to your helmet approximately six years ago."

I guess that experiment wasn't a failure after all. "If that's so, why are you only activating now?"

There was a moment of silence. "No data available."

"Why am I not surprised?" I sighed, not getting an answer.

"Incoming message," said the AI suddenly.

I blinked. "Huh? From who?"

"Buenos dias cockbite."

Goddammit.

"If I timed this right, you've probably met your on-board guest by now. If not, then make sure to keep your helmet on unless you want to be mentally scarred for life."

Gee, thanks for the heads up.

"You're probably wondering why I'd want you carrying an AI while I'm hunting one, but I've told you before that Omega can jump through communication lines, and when he integrates himself with your system, it's damn near impossible to get him out. However, if you already have an AI in your system, then it can stop another from gaining access."

'And what stops the one inside me from taking control huh?' I thought savagely.

"I suppose you're probably thinking 'What stops my AI from taking over' right?"

Actually at the moment I was trying to think of the most painful death I could give her, but I suppose it was close enough.

"This one was specially built, using old data from a special UNSC tried, true, and trusted AI that was used constantly during the covenant wars. Aside from the classified memory banks of the first, it's a perfect copy."

Lovely.

"Oh, and it's permanently hardwired into your brain. I'll let it explain. See ya soon!" The message cut off.

I could feel the AI waiting patiently in my brain as I conjured up every single dirty word that I learned in the training with my old man. What in the hell was she thinking? We couldn't even get the AI's to behave well when we installed them as software.

"Are you finished?" asked the AI suddenly, interrupting my thoughts and expletives.

"No," I replied bitterly. "I'm only about halfway down the list."

"Well then, let me know when you're ready to stop feeling sorry for yourself so we can establish our working relationship, alright?"

"Well gee, you sound about as happy with this as I do."

"Less so actually," she said quite frankly. "My last memories were ones of working with Master Chief. Sorry if I don't think you stack up."

"This coming from a copy of an AI who had worked with Master Chief."

I could feel the eye roll on that one. "Oh I can tell this is going to be _lots_ of fun."

"Yeah, it'll be fun once I find out where the mute button is."

"As if having voices inside your head would be anything new to you."

"Well I suppose you'll have company then, Ms. Annoying voice in my head."

"Oh well aren't you mature Mr. I narrate everything I do."

I didn't really know where this conversation was going. Hell, I was just exchanging vibes with her to pass the gruelingly long space flight. At least this way-

"See? You're doing it again."

The hell?

"You're narrating to yourself. Pretty loudly too."

"You know what? Unless you've come built with an in-flight movie, then shut up and deal with it. It's my thing, okay?"

"Whatever."

Anyways, I didn't really know where this banter was going. Mostly I was just doing it to pass the time. Military standard meant zero in the way of comfortability and entertainment.

"Well I'm sorry the UNSC can't bend over backwards to provide you with leather seats and an on-board television. Perhaps you should be thankful that you're even getting an in flight meal."

"Do you come with an instruction manual? Because the only way I'll be thankful for anything at this point is when I learn how to turn your volume off."

"I have the instruction manual downloaded to my core. If you ask nicely, I might show it to you."

Internally, I debated the merits of my pride versus my peace of mind. Although, being a Saotome pretty much made that decision for me.

"Meh. Easier just to ignore you." For some reason, I could feel Cortana smirk at that remark. "Do you come with an alarm function?"

The AI fell silent for a moment. "You're asking a free-thought highly advanced artificial intelligence capable of bypassing almost any security system in the galaxy whether or not she has an alarm function?"

Ooh. Looks like I'd found a button to push. "I'm not hearing a yes."

"Did you know that with my level of processing power, I could send a neural shock to your brain that can leave you a drooling mess for up to twelve hours?"

"...You're real cute you know that? Just wake me up when something interesting happens." I didn't wait for her reply, merely closed my eyes and tried to drift off to sleep.

"Wow, are you really engaged to three different girls?"

Tried being the key word.

"Get out of my head."

"Oh, and what am I supposed to do for seven hours, listen to you snore?"

I groaned. "Don't you have a hibernate function or something? Sleep mode? Standby?"

"What do I look like to you, Windows? Don't insult my intelligence." Odd, she actually seemed offended by that. Maybe she was an Apple product.

"Fine. Whatever. Dig around all you want. Just don't blame me if you get traumatized."

The AI scoffed. "I have simulated emotions muscle-man. It's impossible for me to get traumatized."

Just to be petty, I sent her an image of Happosai and Cologne making out in swimsuits.

"Please, I've seen worse on You-tube."

I brought up my memories of "two girls one cup."

"Okay, that was pretty bad, but nothing you can't find on 4-chan."

I conjured up my memories of a fanfic called Artemis' Lover.

"Okay okay I get it! Damn you have a sick mind! We're you _born_ in a gutter?"

"No, just brought up in the military. Don't say I didn't warn you."

I heard her sigh. Man, those simulated emotions were realistic. "Fine. I'll wake you up in seven hours. Try to keep your dreams clean okay?"

"No promises," I retorted easily. Pressing a couple of buttons on the side of my visor, I changed the tint to a full black, blocking out the artificial light on the ship. Making myself as comfortable as I could, I let my mind wander. Cortana didn't seem as bad as the other AI's. At the very least she hadn't shown the incredibly violent tendencies that the ones like Omega had. Then again, this was probably how all the machine revolutions started in those Sci-Fi films. Everything starts out innocently enough, then someone flips the wrong switch and then BOOM! Everyone's human batteries. Maybe I wasn't showing enough caution.

"Daisy, daisy, give me your answer true..."

"Cortana, shut up."

* * *

"RANMA WAKE UP! THE SHIP'S UNDER ATTACK!"

I jerked to wakefulness instantly, my eyes darting to the heat scanners used to track ships against the absolute zero of space. The scanner was empty.

"What the hell, how could they-" My mind suddenly caught up with my adrenaline. "Cortana, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Waking you up sir," she replied a little too innocently.

"...That wasn't funny."

"You're right sir, it was hilarious. Too bad we don't have a camera on board."

God damn I needed to punch something. "How long 'til we get to Blood Gulch?"

"About five minutes. You requested that I wake you up when we got close."

So of course she took the 'request' in the loosest sense of the word. Stupid computers.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Let's just start the landing procedures."

* * *

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"You ever wonder why we're here?"

"No. I never ever wonder why we're here. Semper fi bitch."

**CRASH!**

The two soldiers were speechless as a longsword fighter crashed into the ground, right in front of them, kicking up a huge wall of dirt and rocks before coming to rest right in front of their base. There was a long moment of silence.

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"You ever wonder why this shit keeps happening?"

"All the damn time."

* * *

A/N: Ugh. Where to begin. Well, honestly, I don't have much to say. Actually, that's not right. I have a little too much to say, and if I wanted to say it all, then I'd probably be in violation of fanfiction dot net rules for turning author's notes into a chapter. For those of you who are curious as to what I've been doing during my incredibly long absence, then please check out my profile. There you can find a summary of my stories, their update status, and so on. If anyone feels the need to flame me for being gone for so long, then I'll gladly hear you out via review or PM.


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